A Day in the Life: Tuesday 2nd May

Snapshot of Tuesday 2nd May:

The Nazgul was starting her first music class that morning, she was pretty subdued being a new situation and I even managed a few smiles (to and from) a couple of the other parents. Unfortunately I quickly established myself yet again as the parent who gets way too into it (plenty of woos and hair whipping dancing). Cue the loaded silence as I look up after a particularly enthusiastic song from me, to see all of the blonde, lycra-cladded, surgically enhanced Mums staring unblinkingly right at me. Luckily this being my 2nd child I am used to public humiliation. Unsurprisingly, there were no "how old is your daughter? Are you from around here? Have you been here before?" comments afterwards.

Then I was forced to do that weird jog thing that only big boobed woman can do, around the super market because My First Husband was/is having one of his mental fits and refusing to the drive car so we can't do the groceries (I can't drive). As a result I needed to get something that required no prep to give some Mums from school for lunch and then to arrive home before they got to my place with enough time to wipe the sweat from my brow, brush my hair, safely put The  Nazgul to bed and then practice smiling and murmuring “Oh no really it was no bother at all”. They arrived about 4 ½ mins after I did and came in very quietly so not to wake The Nazgul, however this unnecessary because she was in the middle of the kitchen, wearing a raincoat, stinking of shit, licking individual pieces of pasta and putting them back in container, while doing her infamous screech whenever bed, taking the raincoat off, nappy changes or stop licking that bloody pasta was mentioned. Fortunately for me the unaccustomed find the screech quite confronting so I did not feel the need to explain why I looked like Tim Minchin or offer any insight into the workings of The Nazgul.

CUT to trying to get into the house after school pick up where, Rain Man over excited by getting a book in the post, grabbed the mail off the pram knocking it backwards, which started The Nazgul screaming (who by the way was standing on porch tearing up my pap smear results) this sent Rain Man psycho. Of course they did this while I was putting in the alarm code, I stuffed up the numbers and set the alarm off which made the little mental patients scream even more. So there we stood in full view, with the alarm blaring, them screaming and me desperately hammering on the alarm keypad as my brain melted and I completely forgot how to shut it down.

40 mins later The Nazgul was still chucking fits over every single thing that happened, so being the model parent I am I retreated into facebook (to some beautiful souls who peer-pressured me into this blog) but it came at a price, putting ABC kids on the TV and allowing The Nazgul to coat me, herself and my brand new mohair/wool jumper, in zinc based sunscreen. Unfortunately what I forgot was that while I was doing this I had turned my back on Rain Man for an entire 10 mins, I had asked him to get out of his uniform. Obviously I was not specific enough because when I turned around he was getting extremely into Play School, while jumping like a deranged orangutan and thus grinding all the sultanas that The Nazgul had spread over the floor into the rug (I estimate based on the debris that it was 2 packets worth), still dressed in his uniform. Realizing my folly I rounded him up, made him get changed and start his home work. This prompted The Nazgul to decide that climbing onto a chair (now wearing a beanie with the tags still attached), dancing and singing (in baby language) to the Smiths was the way to deal with her brother's struggle with calm.

At this point I asked My First Husband via text to pick me up a bottle of wine. It was while I was pondering whether to knock myself up a nail polish remover and meths aperitif that I heard the beeps of a series of text messages hitting my phone. Due to The Nazgul's proximity to the phone and my reflexes being dulled by years of aperitif's, she intercepted the phone and proceeded to hold it in front of her shouting "HI YA", when the phone failed to give the appropriate response she stared at it, grinned, shouted "OOOPS" and threw it forcefully on the floor laughing as the back, battery and phone flew in different directions. By now Rain Man was bouncing on his seat, twitching and saying "Can you stop her screaming? It is starting to really annoy me" (thanks Son, I look forward to you having your own toddler and repeating this useful and inherently calming phrase back to you). When the phone was finally reassembled it immediately began ringing, imagine my unbridled delight as My First Husband frantically declared that he had had to leave the bottle shop because he went in to get the wine but there were all these bottles and it freaked him out. I guess I'll never know whether it was my diplomatic and charming response to this statement, the sound of The Nazgul and Rain Man in the background gearing up for a new and ingenious attempt to make me scream till blood came out of my ears or his deep-seeded (and completely unjustified) fear of me in all my shoe-throwing glory, but he had a change of heart, faced his newly acquired fear of bottles and the world was saved.