Highly developed time management skills

So it has reached the point where I have actual work to do and have run through every distraction I possibly could (do you know how hard it is find a pictures of dogs that look like Roy Orbison?) and so it came down to the choice of finally write the blog update that you have all been nagging me for, or do housework (I couldn't actually write the report I am meant to be writing, that would just be weird and wrong).

So while I am supposed to be all academic and scholarly, I am throwing myself whole-heartedly into watching videos of cysts being drained on YouTube (I thoroughly recommend "Operation Kill George" for any of you who are faced with competing and stressful deadlines) and inventing things. This week I have invented a nut sack holder attachment for gaming console controllers (it cups firmly and reassuringly yet is sensitive enough to transmit the varying intensities of the controller vibrations) and the perfectly positioned bar area in supermarkets where parents get discounts based on the decibel measure of their child's screaming and/or the length of their child's whining...Which while I am on the subject, reminds me of discussion I had with one of my friends recently, why did we spend so much time in the 90s ingesting dubious substances in bars and clubs?  These were places where we were having a good time anyway and we should have been high enough off the fact we were lithe and young. If ever I needed to drop a few of the old disco biscuits it's taking Rainman and The Nazgul through the supermarket or on public transport. Like bras without built in scaffolds, the days of experimentation and recreation are far far far behind my friends and I so the irony is not lost on me that now we are enduring experiences so excruciating that we could do with class A narcotics to get through. I saw the episode of the show ER years ago where there was a soccer Mum who was taking crystal meth just to get all her house-elf duties done, I never understood that episode before. I have also invented a cocktail for one of my friends who is going through hell with her son's sleep apnoea and surgery, I call it the stayin' alive: 

• 2 spoons of instant coffee
• 15 spoons of sugar
• a generous dash of vodka 
• 13 crushed old school cold and flu tabs containing pseudo-ephedrine 

mix with boiling water and drink until the sound of your kids no longer bothers you.

I have also devoted a fair chunk of my time to inventing new swear words, breaking one of the first things My First Husband ever taught me which is that any swear word can be infinitely improved by the addition of the word "rag" on the end (go and call someone a cunt-rag right now, their reaction really is a life changer). Indeed I married an artist. I have found my true linguistic skill is getting incredibly angry at Rainman in public and being surprised at what almost-swear words loudly escape from my mouth. Most recently I accused him of being an "ungrateful little crap-pony", I was surprised as the mother and children next to me but much less disapproving that she was.

I would love to fill you in on more of my inventions (I am thinking kleptomaniac vacuum cleaners might be the way of the future) but you know this has taken almost 16 mins and I am bored. I have better go watch clips of dodgy dermatologists excising 30 year old blackheads from an old guy's face.